Parenting 911
revisited
Beginning in October 2010 I, Trudy J. Peck, wrote for local newspapers under the name Mothergoose, answering parenting questions gleaned from friends and family at the time. All articles were representative of my own opinions based on many years of parenting my own children and being parented by the most amazing (not flawless) mother and father I could have asked for. The articles are included in their entirety here and linked elsewhere on the website.
I Got a Fishhook in my Nose
INTRODUCTORY ARTICLE
October 2010
“I got a fish hook in my nose.” my son calmly announced one day, entering the room holding the evidence in with one hand and looking a bit pale with the other. Now, that’s not something you hear every day from your child (thank goodness) but on occasion similar phrases will issue from your offspring as you look on in horror thinking, “Now what?!” Once a new school year has started, many parents have a minute to sit back, sigh and breathe for half a minute until the kids come in the door at the end of the school day. There may be a chance to think for a brief moment about the family and what on Earth we could be doing wrong (or right!) in raising our children in this crazy world they are a part of. A bit of wondering may go on as to whether what we parents are doing is helping the next generation on their path to greatness and leadership or just directing them to the next level of a video game. It seems that almost daily small fires occur (generally not literally, but sometimes…a fish hook?) things that make moms and dads stare in astonishment and wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into this time. Therefore, Parenting 911 is now being offered, to answer child rearing questions and often state the obvious that is staring us in the face so hard we don’t recognize it for what it is—the obvious. Take sleeping, for example. What parent has never had trouble knowing how to get a kid to turn off the energy and get to bed at a decent hour? Or the never-ending laundry pile syndrome, what of that? Or might you be interested in a new method of time-out that makes them laugh on the way to the corner? How about complimenting your children? How recently have you thanked your 15-year-old for being potty trained? Well, are you grateful for that, or what? So, with 22 years of childcare experience, 7 plus children and 19 (and counting) grandchildren, I offer these tips and suggestions. Or just empathy. DISCLAIMER: Try them at your own risk– nothing in the parenting field will ever, EVER be guaranteed! I can not be held responsible for anyone's parenting outcomes!
Listen With Your Eyes
Parenting 911
5 July 2012
Picture a high school English class studying the intricacies of Shakespere’s MacBeth. As the teacher scans the classroom she sees varying levels of attention on the front of the room. From the attentive interest of the Shakespeare enthusiast, to the dull hungry eyes of the one who skipped lunch, the darting eyes of the one who won't meet your eye, to the glazed over look of the one whose thoughts are in left field, a teacher can guess who will be passing the unit exam and who will be receiving a letter recommending summer school. Just like Ms. English Teacher, parents wish all children would look at them when they are talking and hear the important things they and Shakespeare have to impart. The same is true when the tables are turned. And people listen best with their eyes.
If you pay attention to Mr. Starski, who has a way with kids, you will notice that he treats children as if they had something important to say. He helps them know that their thoughts are amazing and that they have something valuable to contribute. Mr. Starski knows that each child has something that he can learn from. He realizes that small people are big inside and appreciate being heard as such. Don't treat children as if they don't know anything. Listen to their thoughts as seriously as you would want others to listen to you. Look into their hearts and get to know who they are.
When you can, or need to, physically come down to a child's level to look him in the eye. Take some moments to stop what you're doing and focus on the one trying to communicate with you. If you need to tell him, “I really want to hear what you have to say. Can it wait a few minutes until I get this done?” then do it. If it is just a little banter, do your best to let him know you are still listening even through the clanking of the dishes you are washing. Look at him frequently and respond.
Ever have a child listen to the first half of what you say and miss an important instruction like “...and raise the red flag so the mailman knows to take the envelope”? We people have a tendency to listen to the beginning of what is said and then finish out the story in our minds, assuming we know the rest of what they are going to say. Parents are especially good at this when listening to children. They probably have heard it all before and nine times out of ten, they figure out the end before the child has said 4 words. But if we want children to listen to all of what we have to say, we need to show them by example. Hear them out as often as you can. If you can't hear them out, explain why.
“You never listen to me!” kids will tell you. Just because you don't do what they say, they think you aren't listening. To help with this, validate them. Repeat back in your own words what you heard them say. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you feel similarly. Or not similarly. Parents who are listening don't always agree with their young ones. Sometimes an adult has more experience or information that makes him understand a situation differently. This means that on the rare occasion, parents will choose a course of action that is not satisfactory to the children involved. For example, no matter how little is being taught in that English class today, a parent can listen to all the reasons and still not give permission for the darting eyed one to skip class. But let kids know that you understand what they are saying, that you sympathize with how they feel and then stick to what you think is best. In spite of what they think, not doing what children say does not mean you're not listening. Unless you really aren't listening. Look at them as they explain. Look at them as you explain. Then make the best choice you know how.
Although busy parents will never have the time to hear everything each child says, all the time, time spent listening to your children is time invested in them and in their future. The dishes can probably wait. A child can too, but his self-worth, his important ideas, his seeking heart may not. So, swallow the inconvenience and listen now. As often as you can. And remember, listen with your eyes.
The Rake in the House—Nifty tricks Martha Stewart might not have thought of
10 Nov 2010
The leaf rake tucked between the stove and fridge has drawn many a questioning look and sometimes I explain. But sometimes not yet.
In a home with 7 children, an exchange student, a cat and some fish there is bound to be a fair amount of disarray. Being the lazy (read ‘energy efficient’) mom that I am, I am always looking for ways to get the house clean and get on to the important stuff—like napping. Or playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with the children. Many of the tricks I have learned to free up nap time have come from friends and family and some are pretty obvious, like, why didn’t I think of that before?! So, let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Here are some of my favorites:
*When vacuuming ‘You worry about the edges and the middle will take care of itself.” (Why does this work? It is a mystery to us all!)
*Where is it written that Mom has to do all the housework? Is that in the contract? Utilize the kid-power you have at your disposal. Your children will thank you. Later. Much, much later. Probably.
*Muriatic acid and a razor blade are great tools for cleaning the mineral deposits from around the bathroom sink.
*Look for a ‘Pumice Stone’ or bathroom cleaning stone in your grocery or hardware store (ask if they sell them). My pumice stone was a great discovery to make cleaning of porcelain toilets, sinks and tubs so much more successful! Just scrub and rinse. It’s awesome!
*Tired of the ring around your tub? Hard to get time to clean it out? Put bathroom cleaner or a ‘magic sponge’ in your tub and each time you are finishing up your shower or bath, wipe away a bit of the residue. Or use the washcloth you just dirtied and wipe down the shower walls. You don’t even have to get it all today. Leave a little for tomorrow. Eventually it will all get wiped away. Maybe not all at the same time, but who says the whole house has to be clean at once anyway. Where is that written in the contract?
*A mountain of laundry? Simplify. Take one laundry basket for girls, one for boys, one for Mom & Dad. Do a quick sort without folding. Then everybody takes care of the rest of the job by folding and hanging their own clothes in their closets. When they get old enough to care about wrinkles, they’ll iron or fold or hang their clothes appropriately. (This tip might need some adjusting for toddlers and pre-toddlers.) Keep unmated socks in a central place for easy access. They can find the mate their own until someone gets around to doing the sorting. Wahoo!
*My ultimate favorite cleaning tip of the day originally came from my mother-in-law (Thanks Mom!). When the mess on the floor seemed out of control, Mom would take her leaf rake and begin raking it all toward the fireplace. She would let the children know that once she got to the fireplace, whatever was left on the floor was going in it. They would scurry to get their special things put away to save them from the fiery inferno. When my children were small I used the rake every day in my house and kept it in the kitchen snugly tucked between the fridge and the stove. Nifty trick? You bet! You’ll need a lot of them.
Picking Out the Raisins or Life's a Dance
May 2013
Know the difference between children and mature adults? Children still pick the raisins out of their raisin bran. When they don't like something, they do what it takes to avoid it. As they people grow and experience more life, they come to realize that there are some things that are just not worth the trouble of worrying about. We come to recognize opposition and unless it is a huge deal, we accept that it is part of the package deal and eat the raisins with the flakes. The sooner children come to learn to accept the bad with the good, the easier their lives will be. Parents do no favors in shielding them from things they don't really like.
Take fun for example. Once upon a time we had a Valentine's Day dance in our family room. Friends and neighbors gathered in the darkened room where the disco ball reflected points of light through the fog, the black light made our teeth glow yellow and t-shirts blindingly white. The bass notes from the music reverberated through the neighborhood and made the bricks on our houses vibrate. We danced and laughed and drank lemonade. But what those who enjoyed this time did not consider was all the preparation that went into the dance beforehand. Except for those who did the work, nobody really thought about the hours cleaning the house, taping up the flashlights on the ceiling to reflect off the disco ball, making the lemonade, setting up the fog machine and black light. They just didn't worry about finding the right music or the sound system or the shoveling of snow from the walks so guests could make it safely indoors. When you think about it, all good things, and all fun come with a price – some work, some expense, some things you would avoid if possible. And actually, it is possible to avoid those things – not have the dance at all.
There is opposition in all good things: years of schooling to achieve a well paid career, sleepless nights with a beautiful newborn, the hours of work exchanged for that new pair of shoes (and the discomfort that comes because they are cute but not fun to walk in!) the days of transporting ponytailed girls to dance classes and wriggly boys to baseball. There is time in the kitchen preparing delicious meals that are inhaled, burped after and forgotten. For cute hair-dos there is the untangling of snarls. For a fun back yard there are hours of weed removal, planting, hauling of rocks and watering, watering, watering! But would we trade all the good from these experiences for the dullness of life without them?
Some people do choose that. Their lives are what they want – responsibility free, working only as long as they have to in order to fill their pleasures, afraid to do anything big because of the effort involved. Their lives are comparatively flat and meaningless when you think of all the fulfillment that comes with activity, service and wholesome fun.
So, how do we teach our children that although there is some 'bad stuff,' it is worth it to go ahead and deal with that in order to have the good? We can personally change our attitude towards the 'bad stuff.' If we come to realize that it's part of the whole experience, it's not as bad as all that and a little struggle and work is worth the fun, we can give our children the message that life comes with bumps and roadblocks and we just hitch up our suspenders, work our way around them and enjoy what comes after. We can choose to not bother removing the raisins from our raisin bran because we've come to know they are part of the whole experience. The parts we don't like can serve to make the parts we do just that much sweeter. Or crunchier, as the case may be in that bowl of raisin bran.
Real or Counterfeit - Plug Nickels and Gumballs
Parenting 911 from 5 Jun, 2014
When I was a girl, a younger one, my friend and I discovered at a nearby construction site, small round tokens, the size and thickness of a nickel lying around all over the place. These we gathered with anticipation, knowing we could use them in gumball machines to purchase treats to our hearts content. Little matter that they were blank plugs and, if we used them to deceive the machines, someone, somewhere would be shortchanged. The little voice in the back of my head wasn’t very loud however and my friend and I continued to dream big. Fortunately gumball machines took only pennies or quarters at that time and our fake nickels were hoarded and eventually lost. I am now glad that I was never successful at stealing gum with a fake nickel. What has changed between then and now? Somehow my parents and life’s experiences have taught me the difference between gratifying my wishes with counterfeits or choosing reality.
Besides the emptiness of plug nickels, I have discovered that playing a real game with a real person, sitting in a circle on the floor or around a card table, is a building, satisfying experience, often substituted by unfeeling, electronic blips on a screen. When I was in high school, for some reason the administration thought it a great treat to show ski movies to reward students for good behavior. And while it was pretty awesome to watch the talented skiers fly down the mountain, it was a shallow experience next to being out there with the snow stinging my own face and the trees flying by - keeping their distance, of course!
People learn truths about reality and counterfeits through their own experiences. Like the value of working hard for what you get compared to having it handed to you without effort. The difference between texting a hug and getting a real one or eating cheetos compared to the satisfaction of a nutritionally balanced dinner with fruit and veggies and homemade whole wheat bread. A whole nother book could be written on the realities of true relationships with the whole person compared to the fairy tale fiction of ‘true love’ based on looks, a single exciting experience, the desire to have a girlfriend for show, or simply physical attraction.
Most comparisons between fake and real must be learned through experience. Parents can, however, teach children through examples of their choices. They can share the wonder they felt while walking through an ice-crystal draped forest compared to watching Olaf and Sven traipse through one in the animated movie. They can try to describe what it feels like to work and work for something and finally have it come right. They can involve their children in creating beauty in a back yard flower bed and have them turn around and see what a great feeling comes from doing something with their own hands. They can share the experience of fixing a lawn mower and then using the work of their own doing to cut the lawn and make it nice. Mostly, to help children learn the value of truth versus counterfeits, parents experience life with their children and discuss the feelings and outcomes together.
Truth
28 Sept 2013
Parenting 911
Truth is an interesting thing. There are some people who see the truth as based on their own interpretation. They believe what they choose whether or not it is truth as others see it. In fact, this is the case with all of us! We all choose the truth we believe based on our understanding and experiences. Unfortunately this can cause confusion and conflict when my truth is different than your truth.
Our children do the same thing. One of a parent's jobs is to teach children to see the world as truly as possible in order to keep confusion to a minimum and be mentally healthy.
The world is a confusing place. We look around and try to discern what is real and what is someone else's opinion. We go to the experts – wikipedia, Kidshealth.org, friends that we trust, facebook – and every person has a different idea of what is true. They share their story and why it is true for them and they are totally convinced that they are 'right' and the others are wrong.
So, how do we know? How do we know what is the answer to how to teach an autistic child or whether to medicate for A.D.H.D. or whether spanking is a good thing? How can we tell whether the president will carry out what he says he will or whether the other guy will do for the United States what he has done for the state of Massachusetts? What is true anyway and how do we know? How do our children know if the things their teachers say are accurate or if they are only the best guesses of people who have gone before?
We tend to believe people that we trust. Someone has a good family so we trust their opinions on what to do to turn out great children. Someone has a boat that runs so we go to them for information on how to fix ours. The 'true experts' have education in a field and have learned what others before them have concluded and it seems to work out okay.
We also tend to believe more in ideas supported by more than one 'testimony.' If more than one person gives an opinion, that solidifies the truth of it in our eyes. Or if it 'rings true' with what our other established beliefs are.
But if we want the true truth, we must go beyond even the experiences of people to the source of reality itself. Only God knows what is true, unbiased by opinions, human error or misunderstanding. Only His measuring stick is the real truth. Verily! If we look beyond human understanding to our maker who formed us and Who sees all the realities of the world, we will see the truth, not as it seems to us or our friends or even our amazing parents, but as it is. Even here we run the risk of interpreting His truth based on our own conceptions, but if we endeavor to search out the truth from its source, set aside our own interpretations and twists, we can find health and strength and less contention.
Night Waking
Oct 2010
“Grandmaaaa, I miss you!” shatters the stillness of the night. It is 1:47 AM and I remember that although my own children are old enough to sleep through the night, my visiting grandchildren are not so lucky. As I lay there hoping she’ll go back to sleep, my sleep-foggy mind shuffles through the options of what to do if she doesn’t. Since ignoring her isn’t working, the only way to determine how to handle this one is to go see what is needed. And there is the key to dealing with awake children at night—discover their need and help them to meet it.
What I really want to do is muffle her wails and MAKE HER BE QUIET! but that is socially frowned upon in this enlightened age, carries the risk of brain damage and not nice besides, and so I muffle my own frustrations and try the next best thing—asking her what is going on. Between this child’s wails is a secret message of some sort just waiting to be decoded. Is it fear, a bad dream, thirst or some other physical need, a desire for reassurance or some other emotional lack or, (my personal belief for all children at this time of the night), is she just doing this to ANNOY THE CRUD OUT OF ME! Knowing it is this last, but trying to be a good parent (or grandparent, as the case may be), I listen to her two year old story and eventually determine that all she wants is that sippy cup that I sent her to bed without. And at this point, that’s what she’ll get from me. Just give the girl the cup and let me go back to sleep!
Knowing our children and their needs goes a long way towards helping them deal with what is bothering them. Ultimately, the toughest part of this parenting job, at least for me, is suppressing my own feelings of anger and frustration and resisting doing permanent psychological damage. Whether I choose to ignore the cries and let her work it out on her own, go talk to her, invite her to come snuggle in my bed with me, talk sternly and let her know it is important for her to let others sleep when it is dark outside or whether I just give her a quick hug and assurance that I’ll be here in the morning, the attitude with which I address her need will affect whether there is a repeat performance later tonight or tomorrow night or next week. And I’d like to avoid the encore!
Helping children express what their trouble is and kindly helping them work through it might involve tolerating wails and tears. When Dad is needing his sleep for work tomorrow and older children have school, it seems like the best solution is to shut this kid up, AND FAST. But at times, the quickest solution is not the best solution. It may be worth a few more minutes of crying to let this child know that someone is there to help. The emotional assurance that there is a big person on their side, even through the irritation of being wakened at night, can go a long way to helping a child sleep peacefully tomorrow.
And besides, upon hearing “Grandma, I love you!” my heart melts and I decide that perhaps her sinister plan to drive me crazy was all in my mind. So I hug her once more, say “I love you.” and go back to bed.